I thought that after my mother had her fall in December, she seemed to have had a personality change. She seemed to talk to me in a much kinder way, at times thanked me for doing things for her and even told me once to 'have a good evening'. She was a person that had NEVER wished me to have a good anything.

I was guessing she had a TIA or something that might have even been the cause for her fall...now I am wondering if the drugs she was getting for the pain in her back [not related to the broken hip] was the cause of the 'new' personality. Since I would say, the OLD personality is BACK...

I have spent many of my hours reading to try to understand how to deal with her. And at the end of the day...I am just the place I had always feared I would be in. Trying to help a woman that really just does NOT LIKE ME! I don't know the complete reason WHY she is this way. I think it has ALWAYS been like this. She was the kind of woman that was probably a head of her 'time'. Became a school teacher because that was what 'women' were able to do but she also got married and had two kids because that is also 'what you do'! As my sister and I were growing up, my mother was always 'doing' her own thing, taking more and more classes so she could teach more and more subjects at the local K-12 school. She didn't cook, clean or take part in things with us that were not driven my my father. He pulled up the slack, planned camping trips and family vacations. He was all about family and even though we spent lots of time with my mother's side of the family we also visited my dad's cousins, his brother's families and he aunt and uncles.

I think the division, lack of involvement and the coldest that was my mother's MO became her reflection to my sister and me. I rejected my mother's behavior and found few things we had in common that we never were able to find any kind of path to develop a relationship.

My mother was also very geared to 'money'. When my father died of a sudden heart attack, the day of his funeral she felt the need to explain to me and my husband she was close to divorcing him after they were first married because he had not signed over his WWII life insurance to her. 

In a nut shell, my mother's love for money and love for herself seemed to always be her main focus. This left little room for me or my family.

Moving years ahead, she is now 90 years old. Until she feel she lived alone and again 'did' her own thing. It was rare she would make comments about not having us [my kids, husband or me] involved in her 'life'. Once a few months before her fall, she called me asking if my youngest daughter was going to be able to 'help' her clean her house! She did go on and on that day in regard to the fact that no one came to visit her anyway so it didn't really matter how the house looked. I have never felt comfortable being 'alone' with my mother as odd as that sounds, so just to 'stop in' was not a common thing I had done since the death of my dad 25 years before. My mother did not plan family gathers for holidays or birthdays so we were never in the habit of 'going' to her house. So after her fall and I had to go into her home I was 'shocked' and very saddened to see the conditions she had been living in. 

The dust and dirt was one thing, but I found clothes, rugs, and  towels filled with feces. There was even feces running down the one set of drawers in her kitchen. She had put a pair of underwear into the drawer in her dresser. 

The rug in the living room was full of spills and stains that will not be able to be cleaned. The other floors had not been swept for years.

I was so upset and appalled at the condition of the house, I torn into it. Some of my kids helped me get things started. My husband took away 2 truck loads of plastic bags and empty container to be recycled. 

For weeks my mother would say get things out of the house, have the kids take things, see what they want and so on. I caught one she was not offering things to me. That is how she has always been since my dad died, giving things away to my cousins but rare anything to me. 

But the house she lived in, she inherited from my grandmother. It was my grandmother's retirement home and grandma was so proud of it and my grandpa paid attention to all kind of details to make it just for her so so. And here was this house, that is truly just a house, but I felt I HAD to get it restored to a condition that would make my Grandma proud. 

So of course, I dug in and for awhile my mother seemed just fine with that. Again maybe it was the pain drugs or her into herself and her 'therapy' or maybe just her lack of hearing what I was saying. But then she started on this path of 'what is happening to my stuff'. Things like 'toe nail clippers' and so on.

Her anger is growing and she is acting out what I hope is just the change of her life. Lack of control of what happened to her. BUT I can't help thinking, it is also just her lack of trust in me. Her dislike for me that she has always had. She gave me the POA and other things to do with her affairs, but maybe that was just back to how she would be 'viewed' by others. Not that she has anyone else. My sister was killed in 1971, my dad died in 1987. She had no living siblings and even though my cousins [her nieces and nephews] that have always seen a different 'side' of her. But none of them have stepped up to the plate to clean her house, or take care of all the paper work and so on...And as I say that, I wonder if that is what I should go. See if I should just back out of what I am trying to 'do' for her. Maybe it will kill me before she passes. 

I am wondering if I should go talk to a professional, I am wondering if this blog will help me work through it all. I don't have a person that can really listen that does get it. Well maybe my husband does the closes. 

I guess we all want to be loved and when that does not happen we still hope for respect. And now I wonder what we do when respect does not come!!